transcendental

Last night, after I had settled into bed, I had the most amazing thought: I wasn't thinking. I was just lying there not thinking until the realization that I wasn't thinking popped into my head. Even then, after it dawned on me that my mind was blank, I continued to not think, to marvel at how that felt. Now, mind you, I wasn't meditating; I have never been able to successfully accomplish that. As soon as I try to not think, all I do is think. So last night's experience was a new one for me.

As I contemplated this non-thinking state I became aware of another phenomenon: I wasn't worrying. I wasn't thinking about tomorrow or chores to be done or bills to be paid or will I die next year as the Jailbird foretold or would I get plastic surgery if I had the money and will the tongue fall off the front of the trailer when I go to tow out of here because it's so rusted.

Not worrying over the what-might-happens is a state I'm not accustomed to. Worrying is a Capricorn trait. As a friend of mine once said, she could feel her Capricorn husband worrying as he lay in bed next to her. And here I was - free. How did this happen?

What I now know is all my fretting over when to leave The Home of Dashed Hopes, where to go, what kind of work to look for, all that hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing was a big old waste of time. I decided to go with the flow and my canoe landed here and it's been a good thing. All those issues I had at The Home of Dashed Hopes are still with me - I have no idea where I will go when I leave here or how I will support myself - but the thing is IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I'm content to wait and see how it all unfolds.

After my sweet epiphany, I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about shells, the hundreds of thousands of shells we brought back to the park from the shell lady's house. That's a story for manana.