hallucinating on the 4th of july

There are some things I am too old for. For instance, I think I'm too old to suffer the drama of heartbreak. I'm too old for low-ride jeans with my belly hanging over the waist band. I'm too old to go bra-less. And about three decades ago I decided that I was too old to drop acid.

I didn't drop acid today. Hell, can you even get LSD these days? But when I went to my landlord's this morning there was this nice couple there and they said "We brought some pot brownies. Do you want some?" and I thought, why not? I don't smoke pot but a little brownie, well I could do that. The Brownie Maker handed me the bag and said "Just take this little corner," so I ate what I guess was the equivalent of a quarter of a brownie slice.

I looked at the woman who made the brownies and thought how cute it was that this older woman was making pot brownies until I realized that we were probably about the same age.

We pulled our chairs down to the street to watch the 4th of July parade. Then the lady from next door - the one who brought me chicken eggs - joined us. My landlord took her into his house and gave her a brownie, too.

The parade was your usual small town affair and we politely clapped for all the parade participants. The highlight was getting sprayed with water from the new fire truck. Some people were obviously bothered by the fact that we had no American flags adorning our place but instead had a rainbow peace banner hanging off the landlord's house.

The parade ended and the Egg Lady disappeared. I went into the landlord's house and he was nearly comatose from the brownies. I said "I don't feel a thing" and as I opened the door to leave my landlord mumbled "It's gonna hit you" and I said, "I have a feeling those are famous last words."

They were.

I got home and within 10 minutes was knocked on my ass. I felt slightly dizzy and nauseous so I laid down on my bed where I proceeded to get myself into all sorts of imaginary dilemmas. Various parts of my body jumped up to take center stage. My right foot numbness was more exaggerated. The palms of my hands tingled. My neck hurt and then it didn't exist. I took the deepest breaths imaginable. I tried to direct my thoughts but they had a mind of their own. For 4 hours I wrestled with a hallucinatory stupor. I was going to have to cancel my dinner date with the MBD.

Except for the time that I did ecstasy with my little sister, this was the most exhausting trip of my life. I liked it. I enjoyed it. But I thought "I'm too old for this shit."

Finally, toward sunset I made my way over to my landlord's who was in the same shape I was in. "WTF", I said. We both laughed as we pictured our egg neighbor: was she as fucked up as we were? I said "Those people with the brownies, they stayed at your place a long time."

"I know," my landlord said. "I said to them, you been eating these things all week? How in the hell are you functioning?"

We have the perfect viewing spot for the fireworks. They shoot them off the top of one of the tailings dump directly across from us. Our hunky Jack-of-all-trades came over and laughed at my inability to speak. My landlord wasn't doing much better.

After the fireworks I made my way slowly in the dark so as not to trip over a water hose or step in a pile of dog shit. I thought about the times I did acid back in the '70's. I thought about eating psychedelic mushrooms in the '80's. I thought, "I'm too old for this shit." But it sure was fun.