how i met the jailbird (for those who don't know)

I didn't need a psychic to tell me that I had known the Jailbird in a previous life (two, actually, if I am to believe the Psychic Snowbird I met at the Home of Dashed Hopes). The Jailbird, who is a soothsayer, knew it too and we spent quite a few evenings pondering what that past life might have been like. "I don't think it was good. I think I knew you as 'Steve', though, because I keep wanting to call you that" I told him. When I mentioned him to my channeler she said "This is a tough one. You have a strong karmic tie to him. I'll try to break it." The break worked for a while but because we lived about 50' from each other, and because my door faced his, it was difficult for that tie to stay broken.

When he and his son moved into the park, I knew on an intuitive level to stay away from him. Both of us are friendly and outgoing people but we kept our distance, skirting each other's sites but keeping an eye on each other, stealing glances as we sat outdoors reading. Finally, when we did meet, it was not good. Turned out he was a racist and somehow he managed to quote a passage from the Bible to support his racism and I said that some people think Jesus might have been black and I swear I thought the veins in his neck were going to burst as he walked away.

Not too long after that there was a gathering at my site and he and his son were there and then one by one everyone left and it was just the two of us and we talked for hours. When he left I walked over to a picnic table at an empty site and laid down on it looking up at the full moon and burst into tears. I didn't know why I was crying but now I think it was because of our past life connection and a part of me recognized him and thought "oh no, here we go again".

So we fell into this thing wherein he did nice things for me and I did things I never in a million years thought I'd do, like babysit his guns and his two pit bulls. I was not accustomed to a man being upfront about his feelings, saying things without my having to pry the words out of him. My one and only long-ish term relationship was with a very nice man who never spoke about his feelings, never called me by my name, never said "I love you".

I was oblivious to the Jailbird's meth use until something my brother-in-law said about Hitler and meth made me wonder if the Jailbird wasn't a user. When I asked him about it, he admitted that he had used meth twice since being at the park and I told him to go find himself a skinny tweaker, there were plenty around, because that is one thing I could not deal with. The next morning he came over and said "If you will hang in there with me, I promise to never do it again" and even though I had my doubts that he could do that, just quit meth, I said okay.

Of course I was right and he became the spark I needed to get my ass out of that trailer park and go find a healthier community of people.

The good side of that man is very good. He's kind and generous and capable and talented. His bad side is the worst I have ever seen. Full of hatred and bigotry. He and his son met a lot of old people at church and they made a point of visiting these folks. He'd say "honey, do you visit old people? I think it's important that we do that." He would go on a homophobic rant but then become good friends with a gay couple in the park. Could've knocked me over with a feather when I found out that he and his son would stop in and visit the gay guys after they had moved to Tucson.

So I guess I want to know if he is as bad as he is, as good as he is. Is he more one than the other? Can someone really be both? Is he schizophrenic? Maybe he's a sociopath. I want to know how this time in prison will have affected him. I am curious to see what he is like without drugs but I don't know if I'll get the chance. I did love being in a little family with that man, his son and his dogs. It felt good to share meals and long rides into the mountains. I want that fun and closeness again - but I don't want that with him. At least not with the bad him.